Relationship Property Division

Why can't we just agree?

The division of relationship property can be as easy or as difficult as the parties want to make it. If you are considering divorce and there is any chance of working things out amicably, then read no further and give it everything you've got.  Unfortunately, for both sides to be reasonable at the end of a relationship is beyond many and we have all seen couples that have dragged the process out for years, often fighting over trivial amounts that have long since been consumed by legal fees.  Everyone else can see the wasted time, money and emotions--why can't they?

It's not just about the money

Anyone who has been closely involved in an acrimonious divorce will know that although on paper a fair division of property seems obvious enough, agreement is just not happening. Why? Unlike commercial disputes, the ending of a relationship is heavily charged with hurt, grief, loss and anger. Regardless of the reasons for ending the relationship, issues regarding the settlement of relationship property and decisions regarding  child contact (custody) need to be dealt with--sooner rather than later. Often it is during this period that the party who feels most aggrieved begins to assert power over the process and resists settlement.  The situation is that much more difficult when a couple has children---you may be divorcing your spouse but your kids aren't.  You will be co-parenting till death do you part.  You need to settle and it needs to be as amicable and as soon as possible--for everyone's sake.

She's like a stuck record, he never listens

Just a cliché?  Maybe, but suffice to say that once this has become a regular pattern, a couple's communication has ceased to work effectively. He would have heard if she hadn't kept saying the same old things and she wouldn't have kept repeating things if he had listened and actually heard what she was saying.  A skilled mediator listens, hears and acknowledges what each party is saying.  It may sound overly-simplistic but often that is enough for each party to feel satisfied that they can now move on and seek a solution. The presence of the mediator breaks the rhetorical patterns that have often contributed to the breakdown in the relationship and those same rhetorical patterns may now be preventing settlement.  Once both parties know that they have been heard, a new communication pattern emerges and both parties begin to feel they can move to the next level of resolution.

How can mediation make a difference?

Think of the dispute that surrounds the ending of a relationship as a badly tangled fishing line.  What divorcing couples often perceive as one big tangle is actually many smaller knots (issues) and the entire line can only be untangled one knot at a time.  A skilled mediator identifies each issue then helps the parties tackle them one at a time. Some of the issues have been there such a long time that the couple don't even realize they are issues, and more often than not they are not about the money.  Mediation is not marriage counselling, but the mediator is hearing things for the first time, and there are often surprisingly simple solutions to these issues that an outsider can easily see, although the couple themselves may have thought the problems unsurmountable.

Hmmm..maybe I'll think about it for a while...

A word of warning to those who habitually put things in the too hard basket.  The longer a conflict goes on, the more damage it does and the more difficult it becomes to achieve resolution.  Particularly noticeable in relationship disputes is the tendency for one person to replace the relationship with the dispute itself--it seems to become their very reason for being and they become as reluctant to let go of it as if it were the relationship.  The time to sort it out was last week, last month, last year--tomorrow. 

Psychologically, the death of a relationship is similar to the death of a loved one--cliché as it sounds, the healing can't begin until closure has occurred.  You may not have chosen the position you find yourself in but the sooner you take back control of your life, the sooner the anger and hurt will fade and the sooner you can move on and once again find happiness. 

If you have never experienced serious loss before, then it is hard to imagine you could ever move on.  However, few of us have led such charmed lives.  Think back to a previous loss you have suffered.  The pain may never completely fade, but over time you learn to live with it, you learn to be happy again and it becomes filed away in your archive of experience.  All-consuming as this conflict may be today, if it is dealt with allowing you to move on, it will join those dusty archives of life's experiences that most of us would prefer not to revisit too often or too soon. 

You can not move on with life until this matter is settled and it has the potential to ruin your life, health and career.  Think of those that have supported you through this tough time; your kids, your family, your best friend, your neighbours. They may have been great through all this, but how many more months or years can their lives be centered around your conflict?  Imagine waking up tomorrow with a real hope of putting this conflict behind you.  Welcome to the world of getting your life back.